Why would I want bad things to happen to me? Any help is greatly appreciated?

I think I understand what you mean, but in my own different way. When I was really depressed I felt soo detached from the real world, I never really had many friends or did a lot of normal things because I felt soo insecure; I ended up becoming a cutter and I remember that I felt embared by it but I also felt more alive because at least something was happening to me that I could feel was real and would make other people see me as a real human being, because I always felt alien to everyone else. My suggestion would be to start living life, exploring new ideas/activities/hobbies, I think that if you did that it would make you start to feel more satisfied.